The Birth Story.

Your intuition is a wonder of a thing. It makes you so sure you question everything you are certain about. Like the first contraction that hit with this interesting pulling sensation that felt like me and babe were closer than we had been the whole 9 months. Yet I sat still and quiet for quite some time reassuring my mind and physical state that everything that was happening was real. Tv made contractions seem like this big event that you were very aware of and it made you cringe into a ball and you were rushed to the hospital and you had a baby. My contractions were only a pulling sensation. A dull painless pull. In fact I tried to sleep through them and enjoy the pull like watching a small wave crashing into the shore and curling out into the ocean. I lasted until they were about 4 minutes apart and I woke Chris up with the famous statement, “I think its time to call the midwife, doula, and head to the hospital.”

2:30AM– We woke the family, made our calls and off we went with everything we could imagine needing for having a baby.

We entered the hospital and I was calm yet thriving with energy from what felt like from the ground in from my feet. I knew it was time to bring that baby into the world. They almost didn’t admit me because I was too calm. Once they realized who I was and how far along I was (42 weeks) the cute question of “why isn’t this baby already here?”arose and I was put into a room checked and admitted after realizing I was indeed in labor! We in fact were half way there. 5 1/2 centimeters dilated and we were being moved into our room to birth this baby!

I was calm, bouncing on a yoga ball, welcoming all whom entered our room, cheery as could be -that’s just who I am- and was ecstatic about the whole process.

3 1/2 hours passed and I had remained at 5 1/2 centimeters and was then talked to about intervening methods to get things moving along. Which in Utah is very common due to A. So many babies, and B. People get impatient and don’t want a delayed birth. So my birth team ( Chris, Katrina Our Doula, and I) agreed to break my water. My water had not broke and were bulging and I had soooo much water which is uncommon the further along you get, and had been told he would have been comfortably in the womb for quiet a bit longer. This is when I indeed became nervous. I had been calm and collected and in communication with my body mind and spirit until this point. I was told things get much more intense and to be ready for the next stage and by breaking my water things would amplify by..A LOT. I went from this calm collected being to almost in tears and nervous and unsure that me, my body and baby were capable to do this. Katrina and Chris reassured me that I could do this and to prepare how ever I needed to mentally. Almost panicked I agreed and surrendered. Recollecting going inward I kept telling myself, “you and your baby know what to do, this body is capable of birthing this baby, you are strong, you are earthed, you are capable.” Over and over again.

-Breaks water- with what looked like a crochet hook- warm fluid I was not in control of flooded from me all over everything.

Now this is what contractions are! I instantly needed a fan I grabbed any and everything flat around me and fanned my face. Everyone in the room was then fanning the pregnant woman. It was like getting a light chemical peel -if you’ve never had one, imagine a slightly cooled frying pan placed on your face- I even had someone bring in a fan and I stood bent over with my face in the fan. Graceful right?

I was back and forth from the bathroom to the bed pacing trying to find the right position to get comfortable. The first time I was not comfortable. I then had to really focus and breathe through contractions. Everything before this point was cake. I started to feel this overwhelming feeling of “I don’t know if I can do this, what if I cant do this!” My doula then touched down in my realm of reality and kept saying the word tub, that’s all I got, “get in the tub, lets try the tub”, we filled the bathtub and I slowly emerged myself thinking “there’s no way this is going to work, I think its time for the juice”. I almost had enough I started to feel this little being inside of my body shift down and I started to zone. Aka transition which I didn’t know was going on. I looked up and asked can I get some medicine to help? -The rule I had in place was I had to ask three separate times for any medicine or epidural, and they couldn’t count when in a contraction.- a little time had passed in the tub and I felt the strongest pull to push. It felt so good to push like I had stopped fighting and everything made sense. We weren’t completely dilated so I was advised to breathe. “In through your nose, center, you can do this, out through your mouth.” It was the most obnoxious, necessary step so far!!The other tip I was advise by my doula was to make like a horsey sound where you press your lips together and push air out. It was the only way I didn’t tear and was surprisingly incredibly helpful and helped me focus while zoning completely out.

10:00AM– Give me the juice. I was out of a contraction, calm and it was the third time. I had had enough. In comes the midwife and out of the tub I went. My midwife Erica simply told me it was the third time I asked and we should check to see where we were first to make any decisions. I hoped on the bed and sure enough I had dilated to a 9 1/2 centimeters and baby was on his way.

At this point I had Katrina -the doula-, Chris, and the midwife trying counter pressure in all kinds of different positions and one after another. If you are going to have a babe and haven’t read up on counter pressure while in birth DO IT!! It’s such a sense of relief when nothing else helps. I had completely zoned. I was in another world and only the person that was present was directly below my feet.

Before I knew it the room was full of hospital employees and I kept hearing “this baby is coming.” My knees were brought up high into my chest and I finally got to give into the feeling of pushing, everything felt right my mind body and spirit were one and I gave it everything I had. I felt the burning ring of fire and could feel my body separating as far as humanly possible to bring this baby into this world. I grit my teeth, squeezed onto my legs and pushed with all my might. 15 minutes of intense pressure and that baby came into this world. He came barreling out with a roar of a cry, and up onto my chest he went, still attached to the placenta, he was so warm so full of love and light. I didn’t have the slightest idea of what to do with him. I looked around the room, and the first thing I said was, ” I just had a f***ing baby”. And searched for my family in the room. Which were incredibly upset that we had not called them to be in the room before this point. Chris came over and cut the cord. I pushed the placenta out and it was placed in a bag and handed over to the doula for encapsulation.We had done it! We actually had this baby!

We were escorted into our room and I had this sweet being of light in my arms and a world of unknown now in front of us. It hit me being wheeled down the hall that I had finally met this little man whom I had grown all by myself, kept safe, kept healthy, gave birth to and now had lying in my arms gave me such peace and comfort I never knew I was capable of.

A few points I wanted to go over that added to my experience.

– I don’t know if I will go natural with the next birth we do or just stay home until I cannot stand to do anything else. I wish I wasn’t put in a state of fear when talked to about breaking my water. I think my birth would have went smoother if I was told in a different manor.

-I had the best birth team which really put everyone in the room and I in the right headspace to birth a baby! Very supportive and on board with my birth plan. SO IMPORTANT. If not the most important thing to me.

-Have a game plan in motion for when baby is coming because if you’re like me and your the highway of communication, when you are having said baby you aren’t the communication highway. In fact its shut down and you have to rely on others to get everyone else the information of where to go, when to come. All of that shinanagins!

Advertisements

Babe Nova Photo Shoot.

One moment I was in complete denial. We had just recovered enough to move forwards from an ectopic pregnancy. The next I was completely succumbed to the idea of a family and being apart of something so much bigger than what we have had or ever been. My whole being told me to  fight for a little one. Hormones, being in the state of mind of being a family, thinking about my sweet hubbs becoming a father, me becoming a mother of my very own children. It came in a whirl wind and I told Chris we were getting pregnant. He thought I was mad for a few months until he started to think about it also and the pain of loosing one babe subsided and we knocked boots. It was the strangest feeling I woke up one morning and looked at Chris before we left for work and simply knew we were pregnant. I told him, and we got a test it was of course negative it had just happened. A week later in the doctors office they told me I was not positive, but got blood work just in case. I still knew we were and a few days later the lab confirmed that sure enough we were pregnant.

It has been such an interesting journey since that day. We were in the most amazing climate and surrounded by people who truly valued their days and daily camaraderie. I truly believed being up in Washington was where we needed to raise our little babe so he could learn so much from such a young age about culture and not being treated like such an outsider. Being raised in a state where you were thrown into a culture/ religious state of mind where if you dared be different or think different you were completely thrown out of societal norms. Kids are literally taken away from your child because of their skin color or religious belief or lack there of. So you can imagine how hard it was for me to side with my husband who of all people gets it, to move back home to Utah.

We are here with our love child, the one who I will tell until he’s old enough that a humpback whale came into Puget sound, on a brisk yet thrilling evening as we watched the sunset and sail boats come in with the tide, delivering us a beautiful baby boy on his gargantuan tail gently filled up and a baby boy into our sweet, open, cautious arms.

This boy will know so much culture, love, and support. I cannot wait to show him what that means in a world so filtered to the appealers eyes.

We are here. Saratoga Spring, UT. A very white prominent LDS culture, where we will stand out covered in tattoos and love for any and everyone who will have an open heart and mind. I cannot wait to share with the world our sweet boy.

Self guided Meditation.

What if I told you, you had all that you need to feel accepted, loved, and valid. What if I then told you you were capable of creating the exact life you want to live if only you started living it.

Would you believe me?

Would you push any chance of self acceptance out and into the dark corners of your mind and continue life as if you were never given the knowledge.

You are loved.

You are brave.

You are a magnificent piece of the universe that no one will ever be or come close to comparison. You literally are a manifestation of atoms and experiences that no one else will ever go or grow through. That is power. Own your power.

You are strong enough.

Some times we have storms in life that are as strong as hurricanes and as devastating as plages. It is only then we have the ability to reflect and change.

Trust the universe.

Trust that you already know what is best. Follow the flow that is eager to show you that you are your own map. Allow yourself to be humbled by your own experiences. Grow. Breathe.

Magical Happenings PNW 2017-2018

Events of 2017- 2018

Arriving in the Evergreen never felt so good. Walking the dogs along the bay in downtown Olympia, WA. Sunny warm day on the Pacific Northwest.

Took off on a weekend to go an hour and a half west to the Ocean shores front. Little did we know there was a pirate parade/ booth set up going on. It was amazing.

We found out we were pregnant and shortly after had a Ectopic pregnancy. 2017

One of the first parks I took Chris to that I visited one summer while I was vacationing with my family and we had been apart for the first time. We had a blast.

Not only did my husband and I take the plunge to a new journey my best friend and her fiance did as well. I couldn’t imagine life without my best friend by my side and the phone call I made to her letting her know we were moving she knew she couldn’t either. We had one of the best summers spent living together in Olympia, WA. I`ll never forget how great it was to have some of the best people by our sides through some tough days.

When we were 18 years old and fresh to the world we came here 6 years ago and embraced the ocean. July 22nd, 2017 we were back but this time living in Oly. Tug Boat Annies will always hold such a dear place in my heart.

Company from all areas of the U.S! Port and lou came out from MT, and Dev from UT. We explored the waterfront and then good ole Seattle! So lucky to have such great company!!

Spending some much needed alone time with the hubby at a carnival (my favorite thing to go to once summer hits) & Chris got his new job attire so he`s showing it off. (ow oww)

Leavenworth, WA. 2017 October Fest. Do I need to say more?

Granny and Corrie came to town and we showed them the best of the best! Mt. St. Helen’s and then to Seattle. We are so very blessed to have such supportive and loving family.

Meeting the great, the Legend, the almighty….TRAVIS RICE!!

We found out we were pregnant and this time it was in the uterus and would grow in the proper place! We ARE HAVING A BABY!!!

The husband started working from Utah, while I kept up the fort in WA. He got to visit for a week and what a glorious week that was!

Finding out were having a boy!!! Nova Calvin Phelts.

Montana Loving 2018

 

The last year of embracing the hippy in me. Forever thanking you great wet wonderland.

I have accepted a few key pieces of what felt like sunshine peering through the cloudy days. What works and what I always knew but had surfaced enough to realize I need them in my life as consistently as possible to attain the idea of being happy.

Having genuine conversation with strangers off the street is essential to my filling of my cup of purpose. More important than my cup of coffee each day.

Being true to myself gives me the biggest feeling of security.

I have dreams that are left unattainable until I move my entry of sight. Aka realizing the power of opening my eyes.

Downtown Olympia has shown me that people are people, embrace your wildest thoughts and the world changes literally beneath your feet. – I had been looking for crabs or some kind of significant critter I wouldn’t see regularly and could never achieve this goal. The other day I stood still for about 20 minutes as the dogs were running back and fourth after each other in the freshly uncovered bay. I looked at my feet and 1000 eyes were staring back up at me. I was standing right on top of their homes. Rock after rock being flipped over I went screaming and running as the community of critters scurried to cover themselves back up, like a 5 year old child. Needless to say I spent 3 hours chasing crabs on the bay.

People are genuine if you let them be.

Stop letting judgement rule your every thought. It becomes a force unstoppable. Those pathways you create every waking moment take autopilot to another level and take over your entire existence.

Stop bitching about the way you didn’t like something or how insignificant your day had felt. No one gives a fuck. Its simple. Get over the things of your day that held you captive because you didn’t like how things went instead of standing up for those feelings. DON`T BE AFRAID OF BEING PERCEIVED AS CRAZY. Change the small stuff and your life will start feeling a lot bigger than you ever imagined.

Always be chasing the unknown and scary ideas that leave you shook. For one reason or another they have accrued in your life at that very moment so you would either question or embrace something you hadn’t completely divulged before. Let go. Embrace. Face.

Thoughts can be paralizing or filled of action. You always have this decision process we all go through several times a day, dont forget to stop and notice whats happening.

I will fight for everything I believe to be good and pure to me. It may not agree with how or the way you live your life, but this is my life, my pains, my journey. Let it be my own.

Not a single person has walked my footsteps nor have I walked theirs. I will choose every single day not to judge you on your decisions because of that. Your actions are motivated by your history and life path, not mine or your ancestors. Follow the stones which you yourself lay before your feet and accept what comes from each stone you step. Know what you leave behind and make as little of a footprint as you possibly can. Remember we are not the first nor last here.5B18C20C-C0C4-4229-A997-712876043CBE

 

Grown ass adulting.

The thoughts that have been consuming my days lately have been a lot of which I am not sure I am prepared to accept. These questions begin with where are we really from to am I the one really making each decision I am making. Is there something more going on here that we are sheltered from our whole life cycle. By life cycle I mean this time spent on earth in this being with this knowledge.

Pretty heavy questions, arise then defuse like a bomb not prepared correctly. Whiped clean from my slate and onto the next set of questions. Maybe this round I will be ready to accept them. Maybe not?

What is the bigger picture? Is it different  for everyone or do some people accept the true reality we live in and others create their own?

I was listening to a podcast and their was a woman who explained a very simple concept that revolved around the idea that we only see and feel and hear what we have experienced. Our bodies on a molecular level are just responding to what has kept them alive. Like how people relate to what we have now is passed down from our ancestors trial and error path they have taken in their lives.

It hits home. It makes sense. Right now in this present time.

When something that can shake us happens in life we experience this thing called being “present”. When someone close passes that leaves you feeling shook, and everything including smell, taste, feelings, are unfamiliar to our bodies. They call this “shock”, we do things we don`t usually do, almost as if our hearts are out of rhythm. We act and react to things very differently.

That is what has lead me here today. Right now. To write as my thoughts run rapid, like a wild beast for the first time after years of being caged. I am rapid, searching these ancient woods, searching for my broken bones scattered along the old river beads, trying to recollect what once was. Fighting to know more beyond this body/mind/ cycle. I want to help others and make my footsteps matter. I press my feet firmly on the ground with every single step and scream. Or maybe break down at the feet of my grandfather and cry. I want so badly to know the answers that lead me into these dark woods at strange hours.

A big lesson about a little.

There is so much going on with this little beam of a world I have.

We live a life very filtered from the big picture of what will and what is happening within our lifetime. If you`ve never been outside of the US, if you`ve never left the same five states surrounding you, if if if. There is so much that goes into it. It is important to know you are not to blame for your sheltered/ filtered life but you most certainly are responsible for what your life is full of after this point. That`s right your cannot unread this. You are now accountable for which way your footprint goes. You can live this life full of hate, and sorrow. Or you can create a life where all you do is only pertaining to yourself. Break the mold and find a new way to create concrete and pave your own path. Or follow those of the ones before you. The choice is up to you.

Isn`t that a scary thought. That what ever is happening to you, right now, in this moment you can take what you want from it. If it is a hard ship, bare it, go through it all to turn around and help someone going through the same thing. Start to make those “things” that happen to you something to learn and prosper from. Then all the sudden BOOM, something miraculous happens. YOU START UNDERSTANDING. Removing the foggy film from the situation and making “things”, something you can grow from.

I had this cute Swedish 98 year old women tell me after completing a pretty strenuous exercise class (which I was sweating from) she said, “if you`re not growing, your not looking at the situation clearly.”

Which got me thinking. You`re absolutely right! The only time I catch myself angered by a comment or something negative towards me is usually because I am not looking at the full situation. Those first reactions hit overwhelmingly strong and you have the film no one likes to admit. Take a deep breath and possibly walk away. That bit of information could be what is holding you back from you exceeding otherwise.

Be humble.

Be Kind.

And ALWAYS be passionately actively seeking your purpose.

When I was young around 12 years of age I wanted to go to this Har Krishna Temple we always drove past on the freeway. I convinced my older cousin to drive me there just to see. We ended up on a tour with an older gentleman who didn`t speak much. We did a lot of admiring the designs of the walls and vibrant colors all around. We ate with a women and a man who had been studying abroad and they told me a story about what they believed and showed my pictures and I took what my small young 12 year old brain could.

They showed me a picture of a man transforming from one verson of themselves into another and another and so on. The cycle continues on but its like this, my twelve year old version could only accept this small level of change and different, then everything else kind of goes in one ear and our the other. Same goes for each version of yourself. You can only accept what you are ready to hear at that time and thats okay. We forget and get angered with ourselves that we didnt learn more as we were brought up in the world but we should not put anger to that situation. We should put understanding and patience. Take a deep breath, give yourself the benefit of the doubt that you were not prepared for those precious lessons to be passed in and out our premature ears.

 

I learned that day that there was more. I hope you go on today thinking I learned something today. There is more. Than ourselves. Within ourselves, and help those around us, each and everyday.

 

Fear is a funny, fickle thing. Isn`t it?

*Pardon any french spoken within the next few chapters*


What do you know about pristine opportunity?

What do you believe about dreaming?

How do you begin living the dream you’ve been pinning away for?

Isn`t it supposed to be easy?

Better question isn`t it supposed to be hard?

Question after question comes barreling into my space of thought, process, and assess. I am stunned. I have went over the options in my mind over and over again and still my space is iced over like a lake in the early stages of spring. Ideas slowly seeping out of streams into the blood flow. Nothing has hit the bottom to stir up old feelings or spike up memories of past adventures and what brought success and what has not.

I am numb. I want so badly to be in the forward pressed image of what I want to be doing. Am I ready? Am I holding myself back? Do I jump? What am I afraid of?

Pros vs Cons

Pros∴                                                                                        Cons•

What I have been studying for                                             Longer drive

Believe in the company                                                          Start fresh all over

I could live the podcast I listen to                                         Leave behind most of what I have                                                                                                      built the last 4-5 years                       Further my career                                                                   (Work w/ Seniors)

Be training people individually                                            Jump to a new job again

MORE MONEY                                                                          might not be all the hype

See the business side of having a studio                             uncertainty

grow as an individual                                                              no benefits

chase my dream                                                                      uncomfortable

 

I AM SCARED. I am not one to back away from something that scares me, but to have something so perfect presented to me in the perfect time is too good to  be true and without working for something it`s hard to justify accepting.

(the worst part about all of this is I think I haven`t worked for it) 

So here I am pondering my mothers words, “just stay still for one moment”, “get used to doing what you just got the job doing, stay put.” Which hello of course I listen to my mother and father they are miraculous beings that have persevered through soooo very much and I look up to them as if they were the golden ticket to success.

You know when you have to remind yourself, Okay they are not here living my life for me, or this is my life not theirs…yeah its a son of a bitch. Through your teens it really is a fight to break off the golden path and sprint for the nearest train out of town so you can be you. Until you finally hop on and find yourself in another part of the world and SMACK everything they have ever said to you was the truth and naturally you go back and lick your wounds that could have been avoided if only you listened to those old wise tales and lessons they had went through so many times themselves.

I do not want to rush into something and regret it. I have done that and licked my wounds. I do want a better life for me and my family. I want to feel like I am valued and I am fucking amazing at my job. I also want to grow and in order to grow I must sprout my own roots beneath me and reach out through the dirt like an unbosomed lily, unknowing of what was right above oneself, with the fear and knowledge that at any moment a deer or young child could come and rip me right from those firmly pressed roots and get to restart all over again. We have to be willing to sprout, and then believe enough that allows oneself to grow tall and treacherously so only then we can share our beautiful story and be able to help others. Spread your pollen across the many acres of land.

Here we go on the edge of the cliff, anxious to leap, yet shook from the core to step closer. Here we go into yet another chapter of this thing called life. I am starting to look within and through to the clear disposition I so desire. Here we go.

If we fall we can always get right back up. Falling hurts yes, but so does holding all of the unknown. If it is worth fighting for then fight.

Play a drum to the dance of my feet.

Today is day two. 

Of forever.

It is about becoming most soulful. Honest to my core, to myself.

My reason why:

I have been told my whole life that I need to settle down, find something and stick to it. I`ve always been a “jumper”, a “seeker”, never fully setting both of my two feet ever touching the ground at once. I am learning to embrace the everlasting anxious feet.        To play a drum to the dance, set fire to my eager heart, and to set my soul free.

It is a scary feeling to want for that. To put everything that has been learned in the back seat and feel the curve of the road as you twist and winde up the back side of the un-riden mountain.

This week I am starting on a journey that I believe I have always been on and always will. This month I get to be close with people who are broadening their spectrum as much as I or on the same path and you cant help but feel the electric current running through each other. I am sooo very excited to be in this heightened awareness while it lasts.